How to Love Yourself After Trauma: Healing Self-Hatred in Pakistan

That is a heavy, honest question and it makes sense that you feel this way. What happened was not your fault—not then, not now. The little girl you were did not stay silent because she was weak; she stayed silent because she was a child in a situation no child should have to handle alone. The anger you feel toward her is really anger at what happened to her, and it is a sign of how much you care—you are furious that she was hurt, and that fury is part of your love for her, even if it does not feel like it.

The hardest part is that forgiving yourself feels impossible when you still carry the memory of shame. But self-love after something like this does not start with forgiveness. It starts with turning toward that little girl the way you would toward any child who was hurt—with gentleness, not blame.

Start where you can

• Name the feeling without judging it. When you feel hate toward your younger self, say to yourself: "I am angry at her because I wish she had been safe." That small shift—from blame to wishing she had been protected—is the first step toward compassion.

• Write a short letter to the girl you were. Not to forgive her—just to tell her what you know now: that she did not deserve what happened, that she was not to blame, and that you see how scared she was. You do not have to believe it yet. Just write it.

• Separate the victim from the abuser. The anger belongs to the man who hurt you, not to the child who was hurt. Whenever you feel that rage rising at yourself, pause and silently say the truth: "That anger belongs to someone else. She was only a child."

When the thoughts get too dark

You said sometimes you wish you were not alive. That means the pain is overwhelming, and it is important to recognise that this is not a character flaw—it is what happens when suffering has no safe place to land. Do one thing: reach out to Depression.pk's Zara by going to the /community or /get-help page. She is from our team and is there to talk, any time, without you having to explain everything from scratch. You do not have to be ready to heal fully—just ready to let someone else sit beside you in this moment.

The love you are trying to feel for yourself already exists. It is buried under the anger, but it is there. Every time you ask this question, you are already reaching for it. Healing comes in small steps, not in one big forgiveness. Talk to someone you trust, or talk to us. You matter, and there is a way through this.