I Can't Stop Crying and Want to Hurt Myself

What you're describing — the crying that comes when it all piles up, and the moments where you think about hurting yourself — is not a small thing, and it's not something you should have to carry alone. Whether this is depression or something else isn't something either of us can settle by guessing; a doctor or psychologist can, and it's worth doing soon. What I can say plainly is that this kind of pain is treatable, and the thoughts of hurting yourself are the part to take most seriously right now.

One thing first: are you safe tonight? If there's a real chance you'll act on the urge, don't stay by yourself — get someone with you, or go to a hospital.

When it gets that bad

• Put distance between you and whatever you'd use — hand it to someone, lock it away, or leave that room.
• Tell one person plainly that you're not okay at this moment, even if it's only so they can sit near you.
• Change your surroundings; a walk, a shop, a neighbour's house — the urge often weakens when the place changes.
• Note what happened just before it, because the pattern will show you where to stand guard next time.
• If you've already hurt yourself, or feel close to it, go to a hospital emergency department — that is exactly what they are there for.

Getting it looked at properly

Book an appointment with a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist. There are fewer than 500 psychiatrists for more than 240 million people here, so waits can be long, and a GP is a reasonable first stop if the wait is months. When you go, say the whole thing — the crying, the self-harm thoughts, how long it's been going on, how it's affecting your sleep and eating and work. Write it on paper beforehand if saying it out loud feels too hard; doctors read notes all the time.

Cost is a genuine worry, and it's fair to ask about reduced fees at teaching hospitals and clinics attached to training programmes. Our /find-help page lists professionals you can start with. And Zara from our team is here to talk whenever the night gets long — you don't have to hold all of this by yourself until the appointment comes.