This page explains why a child may not resist or may feel pleasure, attention, or affection during sexual abuse, and why none of that makes it their fault. It also covers grooming, self-blame, confusing memories, and ways to seek safe help in Pakistan.
I am trying to understand whether the sexual touching I experienced as a child was abuse, because I enjoyed it, did not resist, and wanted it to continue. I now hate myself and fear that my response means it was my fault.
What happened to you was not your fault. Not then, not now, not ever. You were a child, and a child cannot consent to anything sexual with an adult or an older person. The fact that you felt pleasure, looked forward to it, or even wanted to marry him does not change that. Children's bodies and minds respond to attention and touch in complicated ways — especially when the person doing it is someone they trust or feel close to. That response is not the same as wanting to be abused. It is a normal, confusing reaction that many survivors experience, and it does not mean you were to blame. The adult who did this to you is the only one responsible.
Children are wired to seek love, attention and closeness from the adults around them. If an adult gives you special attention, touches you, makes you feel wanted, your brain can interpret that as good — even if what they are doing is harmful. That is not a sign that you wanted the abuse. It is a sign that you were a child who wanted to be loved, and the adult exploited that need. Many survivors describe feeling excited, special, or even in love with the abuser. It is one of the most painful parts of abuse because it leaves you feeling confused and ashamed afterward. But that shame belongs to the person who hurt you, not to you.
The hatred you feel toward yourself now is the abuse still working inside you. It is not the truth about who you are. You were a child who did not have the words or the power to say no, and who found a way to cope with something too big to understand. You did not cause this, and you did not choose it. The fact that you now hate what happened — that you recognise it was wrong — shows that you were not okay with it. You were just too young to see it clearly at the time.
The only thing you need to hold onto is this: it was never your fault. Not for enjoying it, not for not telling anyone, not for talking about marriage. You were a child doing what children do — trying to make sense of something confusing with the little they have.
If you can, talk to a therapist who understands childhood sexual abuse. They will not judge you, and they have heard stories like yours many times. You can also talk to Zara, our companion, whenever you need to say any of this out loud without fear. You are not dirty or broken. You are a person who survived something awful, and you deserve to carry that shame no longer.
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