If you are unsure whether sexual abuse happened, uncertainty or mixed memories do not mean you are lying or at fault. This page explains how to approach unclear memories, stay safe, and tell a trusted person or professional in Pakistan.
I am trying to understand whether a fragmented childhood memory involves sexual assault, especially because I sometimes confuse dreams with reality. I want to know how I could be sure, when and how to tell someone, and how to speak up despite being shy and fearing people may blame me instead of the religious teacher. I am also struggling with why someone religious could do this and whether the memory may be my imagination.
That is a very heavy thing to carry, and the confusion you feel – not knowing if it happened or if your mind is playing tricks – is itself a real and common part of this kind of experience. You are not going crazy, and you are not making it up. Many survivors of childhood abuse do not have clear, continuous memories. The brain sometimes blocks out trauma to protect a child, and those memories can come back later in fragments, without a clear timeline or even a face. The fact that you remember the man existed, that he was your Quran teacher, and that you have a sense something happened – that matters. Even if you never get a perfect memory, what you are feeling now is real and deserves care.
When something happens to a child that is too overwhelming, the mind can separate from it – you might not feel it at the time, and later you might not remember it like a normal memory. It is very common for details like age, face, voice, or how many times it happened to be missing. Forgetting it for years and then suddenly remembering is also very common. The confusion between dreams and reality can also happen after trauma – your brain is trying to make sense of something that feels unreal, so it mixes up real memories with dream-like images. That does not mean the real thing did not happen. It means your mind is struggling to hold something that is very hard to hold.
You do not have to be sure beyond doubt before you tell anyone. You can start by telling one person you trust – maybe a school counsellor, a teacher you feel safe with, or a female relative who you believe will listen without blaming you. You do not need to give all the details at once. You can say: "Something happened to me a long time ago, and I am confused about it, but it is bothering me and I need help." If speaking is too hard, you can write it down and hand the paper to them. There are also helplines run by trained women who understand these situations – you can find them on the depression.pk website under "get help" – they will not judge you and they will not force you to say more than you want.
The best time to tell is when you have a private moment with that person, somewhere you will not be overheard. Do not rush yourself. It is okay to take weeks or months to prepare. What matters is that you do not carry this alone forever.
That question hurts the most, and it is a fair one. A person can know the words of the Quran by heart and still do terrible things. Being a maulvi does not make someone immune to evil – it can even be a cover. What he did – if he did it – is a betrayal of his trust, of the religion he was supposed to teach, and of you as a child. It has nothing to do with you being bad or deserving it. It has everything to do with his own wrongdoing. Allah knows what is in every heart, and no one escapes accountability. But right now, the focus needs to be on you, not on understanding him.
That fear is real, and unfortunately some people may react badly. But that says more about them than about you. A child cannot be responsible for what an adult does. You were a child – between 8 and 13 – and he was an adult in a position of authority. The blame belongs entirely on him. If the first person you tell does not believe you, try another person. There are people who will believe you. You deserve to be heard.
You do not have to decide today whether it was real or not. You can just sit with the feeling that something is wrong and that you need support. That is enough for now. Zara is here to talk whenever you need – just open the conversation on the website. You are not alone.
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